Shepherding Women in the Local Church: Five Common Dispositions
Pastoring women well remains, unfortunately, a complex task for any pastor seeking to be fully invested in the care of every member. Challenges related to perception, temptation, interpersonal dynamics, emotional nuance, unmet expectations, past wounds, and frequent misunderstandings all complicate the ways in which pastors relate to the women in their congregations. And yet, this task is non-negotiable. Faithful shepherds must engage women in their churches—not reluctantly, but with a sense of honor and responsibility.
However, it is a critical mistake to assume that all women in a congregation desire to be pastored in the same way. They do not. A “one-size-fits-all” approach will, at best, lead to awkwardness and, at worst, result in alienation or offense.
What follows is a summary of five distinct postures commonly found among women in the local church, along with observations on how each typically relates to pastoral leadership.
1. “I Just Want a Preacher”
This woman generally does not seek pastoral care beyond faithful preaching. She attends services, may engage in fellowship with other women, and supports the church, but prefers a distant relationship with the pastoral staff. Typically, her husband is her primary confidant, counselor, and spiritual guide. Any communication with church leadership—whether logistical or spiritual—is often delegated to him.
This posture tends to arise from two predominant theological-ethical frameworks:
A traditionalist or fundamentalist background (e.g., the “Billy Graham rule” era), where interaction with men other than one’s husband is seen as inappropriate or dangerous; or
A strong complementarian or patriarchal view in which bypassing one’s husband to seek pastoral counsel is seen as undermining the biblical structure of marriage.
2. “I Just Love My Church”
This woman values pastoral leadership but doesn't give much thought to whether she’s being shepherded directly. She is often quite content in her church community and may not realize how little interaction she’s had with her pastors. Surrounded by a strong network of friends or small group members, she tends to function well without engaging the pastoral staff personally and is grateful to be part of a church that doesn't revolve around the personality of its leaders.
3. “I Want to Be Pastored, but Mostly Indirectly”
This woman desires intentional pastoral care, but typically at a distance. She benefits from sermons, corporate prayer, and ministries under pastoral oversight—such as women’s ministry—but seldom seeks direct pastoral input on personal or theological matters.
While she respects and appreciates her pastors, she tends to turn to friends, mentors, counselors, or family (often her mother) for guidance on personal or applied theological issues. She may ask for prayer from a pastor or even invite his family to lunch, but will not likely pursue direct counsel on matters like parenting, marital strife, or ethical dilemmas. Exceptions exist, but they remain just that—exceptions.
4. “He’s My Pastor, Too”
This woman wants to be pastored personally and is comfortable with appropriate, direct engagement. She respects pastoral boundaries but also recognizes that elders are called to shepherd her, just as much as they are called to shepherd her husband or other men in the church.
She may initiate theological, ethical, or social conversations with her pastors through community-based contexts—group messages, brief conversations after service, or during small group gatherings. She wants to be known by her pastors and believes that relational proximity is necessary for meaningful shepherding.
5. “What’s With All the Boundaries?”
This woman seeks close, direct engagement with her pastor(s) and often feels hindered or frustrated by boundaries that are put in place. She generally falls into one of two subcategories:
Type 1: Boundary-Resistant – She may see the pastor as a friend, therapist, coach, or cheerleader—available at any time, for any reason. She is often frustrated by delays in communication or the impersonal nature of certain interactions. She may be socially unaware or simply unfamiliar with the reasons for pastoral boundaries.
Type 2: Boundary-Aware but Culturally Conditioned – This woman operates comfortably in professional environments where 1:1 meetings with male colleagues or supervisors are normal. She sees such interactions as professional, not personal, and is confused by pastoral hesitancy. When told that certain meetings may create the appearance of impropriety, she responds that such concerns feel outdated or unnecessarily cautious.
Final Thoughts
So—what should a pastor do with this information? How should one engage these various types of women, knowing that he will give an account for how he cared for their souls? Should pastors ever attempt to move women from one category to another? Is one category "better" than the others?
These are worthy questions. But for now—it's Friday. We’ll save those for another time.